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I never told Tyler about how his father "refused" to take care of him while I was at work. Instead, he would get off of work at 3:00 in the afternoon and go play softball….or sit at The Little York Tavern and drink……or boink any chick that paid him the least bit of attention. His father was a real fast talker. And he slept around on me allot. Considering that he has 4 children by 4 different women….and he never married any of them…nor did he pay child support to them….nor did he see any of them.

His father never seemed contented with life. It was as if he were a child himself. Constantly blowing money on new cars and junk like that. Totally refusing to accept the fact that he had a baby to take care of. He told me on more than one occasion (and so did his sailor mouthed mother)…"I make the money around here….and when you make 40 grand a year you can tell me how you are gonna spend it"……slams like that were an every day occurance. So as a result of that….I learned very quickly how to pinch pennies and do everything the smart way. I think I got quite a useful education if nothing else.

These are things that you know in your heart….but you just don't talk to your children about even if you have a reason to warn them. So I didn't. Even in the bitterest of arguments……I never once muttered a word.

But we could not live this way forever. I didn't want Tyler growing up around his father…….thinking that was how husbands were supposed to treat their wives. Or should I say….how daddy's were supposed to treat mommy's.

Tyler and I packed our bags and left his father the day after Thanksgiving in 1992.

Never looking back.

Tyler and I moved to West Carrolton. And it was quite a time of bonding for both of us. Many nights of eating peanut butter and jelly and macaroni and cheese for dinner. To Tyler……..it was great. We had each other.

I never told Tyler about my struggle to keep him in day care…pay the bills…..keep a roof over his head….and food in his tummy……….it really didn't matter. There was no sacrifice too great. I did whatever it took to keep us going.

And he was none the wiser.

I didn't date much. I didn't trust ANYONE. And I had no family to help me. Just me and Tyler…..surviving together.

We lived this way for 2 years.

* * * * *

And then in 1994 someone new entered into OUR lives.

This person became Tyler's step father in 1996.

As it turns out….I should have left well enough alone. I made a big mistake……and it hurt Tyler dearly in the end.

His step father, Dennis, was an alcoholic. In my ignorance…..I can only say that I didn't even know it. I just thought all along that he was immature…….but really he was sloooooooooooowly killing all of us with his disease.

I never told Tyler that Dennis was "too drunk" to attend his wrestling competitions. Same goes for his T-Ball games. I never told Tyler that Dennis was "too drunk" to go to family get togethers….especially Christmas in 1997. I never told Tyler that Dennis was "too drunk" to go to his school functions. I never told Tyler that Dennis was "too hung-over" to make it to work on time in the morning. I never told Tyler why he was not allowed to have Dennis "drive" him anywhere. I always feared that Dennis would cause an accident……and kill an innocent person…..and/or including my son. I never told Tyler that Dennis was "too drunk" to get the bills paid on time….and how he had our finances in quite a mess. (sigh) I never told Tyler that Dennis was arrested for Domestic Violence because he was crazy drunk on Jack Daniels Whiskey and came home one night after "tying one on" and tried to slit my throat with a butcher knife. I never told Tyler that his parents sat me down and told me that Dennis had a history of treatment for Cocaine and Alcohol abuse. I never told Tyler that I had gone to see my lawyer 8 months prior to the actual day that Dennis was removed from our home. Because I was going to divorce him.

These are the things that I knew…..but just never told Tyler. Never muttered a word.

In my heart…at the time…….I wanted him to be a kid…..and not to worry about "adult" things. And I thought that he had enough trust in me to do what was right for the both of us. I wanted to protect him. Those were my intentions.

* * * * *

In September of 1998……….I met Leda…..my soulmate.

There was another issue that I NEVER discussed with Tyler. And that was the fact that I was a lesbian. He was never taught to be prejudice. And he never was. But, until I met Leda….I had no reason to tell him. All of the friends that I introduced him to were either gay or lesbian……and he loved them to death……..he was none the wiser of what their sexual preferences were…….and I was his mother…so I suspected that I would receive the same "loving unprejudiced" response that he gave to them.

Unfortunately……that is not the way that it turned out.

Tyler was coached into learning about issues that he was not prepared to handle….behind my back….by a less than average pair of experts. His father and his stepmother…..Elaine……..they clued Tyler in on their version of what a Lesbian and a Transsexual were……….this was an opportunity that they could not afford to pass up. It was something for them to fill their "boring" lives with.

Tyler showed signs that I had never seen before towards me and towards others. Hate…..spite….regret……social disorder…failing grades…..lying……excessive selfishness and withdrawal from the world in general.

The truth about me broke his heart. Atleast that is what I believe.

Tyler spent 6 months of his life….wasting it…………completely unfocused.

He began to involve outsiders. People like Children's Services…etc…etc……..he told them some lies that he deserved to have his little fanny tanned over. Believe me. When Leda and I began to get questioned by these particular individuals…..we blew it off. Because we knew in our heart…that their accusations were bogus, and that we had done nothing wrong……other than merely being in love….and we didn't consider that wrong.

We worked hard with Tyler…….nothing about our family life routine changed. The checks and balances were still in place.

Every account was proven untrue…..the accusations were forgotten. But that only made Tyler find other ways to get away from me. From us. And Jim and Elaine were right there to coach him.

* * * * *

I was always prepared to protect Tyler in the event that he was ever harassed by mean kids….. or anyone for that matter…..but what I never expected was that he was going to "turn" on me. I had no answer for that one. I did not know what to do.

* * * * *

Tyler is gone now. He is living with his father……he won't even talk to me.

It broke my heart the other day…..when I spoke to him on the phone and he asked me "So how big is Emma Doggie now?" It hit me hard that I had become an alien.

He doesn't even say "I Love You Mommy" anymore before he hangs up the phone.

I can't fathom why a person (JIM) who never wanted children…..has broken our home………into a zillion pieces and made my son….Tyler…..the pawn.

* * * * *

I remember when I was graduating high school. And my father and I were eating dinner. He knew that I wanted to talk about something……..so he asked me what was "up". I told him nothing was wrong……but that I sorta had been thinking about something…..something that I wanted to pursue. A dream of mine. He asked me if I would talk to him about it.

I reminded him that I was quite a work-aholic….and he agreed. I also reminded him that I was a straight A student……and it didn't happen by accident. And he nodded in agreement. And then I told him that I didn't find much use for a boyfriend………..and he commented that he wasn't even aware that I knew what a "date" was….and we both giggled. I thought that he was going to choke on his green beans when I confidently said to him, "Dad, I want to have a baby….when I graduate……but I don't want to get married….I don't want a man in my life"……..

The room fell silent. He walked to the sink and rinsed his dinner plate…poured another glass of water for both of us and returned to the dinner table. I could tell that he was confused. He looked me in the eyes and laid his hand on mine and said "Is there something you need to tell me"…..(he thought that I was pregnant for Pete's Sake)……I giggled…..and assured him that I was not pregnant. I told him that I had done lotsa research on different fertilization processes…..and I was interested in finding out more about them……….and I told him "THAT" was how I wanted to havemy baby. But then he started laughing uncontrollably and told me that was the STUPIDEST thing he had ever heard. I don't think he knew how bad that hurt me. Here I was being totally honest…..in a very mature way….and he laughed at me. I always sought the approval of my father and decided that he would never accept me for my dreams if I didn't do things the way that he thought that they should be done. I am not blaming him by any means….for the fact that I married Jim…………"to be normal" in his eyes. But I do believe that he should have supported me and all of this may have turned out differently.

* * * * *

I love my Tyler dearly….with all of my heart…..and letting him go is not easy.

He really has o clue how badly he has hurt Leda and I….nor does he know the struggle that he is going to face by choosing to be with the WRONG set of "prejudiced" parents. He has no idea that he has just made the biggest mistake of his life.

But when he left me…..he took my right arm……and I can no longer "take him under" my wing.

He is on his own.

People get angry with me for giving him the benefit of the doubt. For thinking that I may still be able to reach him. They also don't understand that he is my flesh and blood…………..he is my strength. They believe that I should be angry with Tyler….and that I should never speak to him again. But what they fail to realize is that I have no other family. Blood family. All of us have gone our separate ways. And I am quite sure they are all gonna freak out when they learn about my "coming out". So half of me is gone now. And the other half remains "Closely Guarded".

It is so painful.

We can't even visit Tyler. For fear that he will make up another one of his stories. And I wonder how I am going to spend the rest of my life not watching him grow up. Losing touch with every part of his life.

There was a point, once I realized where all of this was going…that I wanted to pack my things and leave this place. I felt like I was drowning. And sometimes those very same feelings haunt me.

I feel it every time I go to the store. When I see children with their parents….when I see a mother take her child by the hand…when I see them hug. And especially when I see a mother or father tell their child "I love you".

It was at that point… that I had to take all of his belongings and put them in his bedroom and close the door. It was a disturbing emptiness……..nearly making me nauseous every time I walked past his bedroom. It was sending me on an emotional roller coaster that nearly cost me my sanity. FOCUS ……. I would tell myself. FOCUS.

I forgive Tyler for his ignorance…..and the legal system leaves a lot to be desired…….and his father needs to quit destroying innocent peoples lives. I also believe that things didn't have to turn out this way, and I wish that they hadn't.

I am living proof that "society" is demanding. Society is cruel. Our society has lost all of it's morals and values.

I urge you…to consider the consequences if you choose to "come out"……….

You will be criticized no matter how good of a parent that you have been….no matter how good of a person you have been……….rich or poor, it won't matter. Society will shoot you down. They will watch every move you make. They will attack you. They ruthlessly tear your family apart at the seams.

Stay tuned in with your child……..be honest with them. Or you too may find yourself faced with this same situation someday.

Remind them EVERY DAY just how much you love them. I am thankful that I did.

Someday, you may be faced with only being able to thank God for the memories.

And God said..........

"Let there be FOOTBALL"

TYLER JOHNSON #62.......game #1

TYLER JOHNSON #62........game #2

TYLER JOHNSON #62........game #3

TYLER JOHNSON #62........game #4

TYLER JOHNSON #62........game #5

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